I guess this is the end of the waiting, but not the pain.

Yesterday the man who is being convicted of murdering my friend and her dad a year ago was found dead in his jail cell. I immediately send the article to my friends and asked if they’d heard about it. We talked a little about how it made us feel, what we thought, and it boiled down to relief that it brings a little closure sooner than if we were waiting for the trial, and it still doesn’t make things okay.

He was being convicted and they were going for the death penalty. We’d all want him found guilty, so in the end the same product happened. I said something about justice being justice because all I could think is that I’d want him found guilty at the end of the trial. The same thing happens. My friend said there’s no justice. Nothing justifies our friends being dead. Nothing makes that better.

And nothing ever will.

I texted Weston and told him and he asked me how I felt about it. My response is the same as when the man was alive. I want justice. I want conviction of what he did. But at the same time I’m wrestling with the Gospel. I’m wrestling with forgiveness in my heart for this man. And now I’m wrestling with the fact that I’m supposed to want him to have been saved by the grace of God. Honestly, I actually do wish he had found Christ. I wish somehow someone would’ve told him and it’d have gotten through to his heart and he’d been redeemed. My problem is that I feel like I’m not supposed to want that. That the only way it’s made okay is if he suffers.

So, I continue to tell myself that Christ died for all. That there are consequences for all sin. That there’s forgiveness for all sin as well. And I pray for those affected. On both sides. He’s someone’s son. Maybe someone’s sibling. He probably had some friends. Mac and Noel are someone’s kid, husband, friend, sibling. I pray that salvation is found for those who are lost. For those who are hurting. For those who are angry. Myself included. I need the Gospel preached to myself every single day.


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